Why? When? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??

To those of you hoping to read an entirely animal-based blog - I apologize profusely. I'll get there (I promise), but I'm new to all this and there are some things I just have to get off my chest first. So please be patient, I'm doing my best.


I have an enquiring mind. Annoyingly so, I've been told on many an occassion. Sometimes I ponder on the great mysteries of life - how did they build the pyramids in Egypt....is there life after death....and other thought and discussion provoking topics. However, like a persistant child just learning about how the world works, I really want to know Why? When? and more importantly, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??


Have you seen those stage performers that eat strange things....like lightbulbs and razor blades....in the name of entertainment? I'm sure you have. Some of them are so talented they can even regurgitate them back up again. But why? And when? At what point in his life did that guy look at a lightbulb, razor blade or stainless steel fork and think 'My, that looks yummy!
For sure he didn't discover this 'gift' as a child or undoubtably his distraught parents would have dragged him forthwith to a well-meaning child psychologist.
Or was it perhaps hereditary? Was his father a secret midnight snacker? Did he wait until his poor, unsuspecting wife was sound asleep, before creeping oh, so quietly, into the kitchen to fix himself a tasty treat of silverware?


I need to know.


There are many other things I don't understand. For instance:


Enormous breast implants. There's nothing wrong with breast implants and if you want great big boobies - then you go girl! However if you look like you are permanently sporting your own buoyancy aids or like you have a pair of scud missiles strapped to your chest, then clearly either you or your surgeon got it wrong.


Balding guys with comb-overs. Bald guys with ponytails (Francis Rossi excepted). Let me say this, loud and clear: BALD IS SEXY. Wave goodbye to that last bit of fluff guys. Shave it off and the girls will love you for it. Trust me. I know.


Speedos on any guy that isn't training for an Olympic swimming event. They are just plain wrong, wrong, wrong. This comes under the heading of Dude, what are you thinking? and also 'Have you looked in the mirror?


Tofu. Now there's nothing wrong with tofu per se - just don't tell me I should eat it. No. I shouldn't. Really I shouldn't.


There is a popular stage show touring the western world called 'Puppetry of the Penis' a.k.a. 'Origami of the Penis'. Now we all know what Origami is (no, it's not a martial art) and we all know what the other thing is (a male body part of the appendage variety). Whoever thought of putting the two together? (Australians actually, which explains a lot) But why? Actually I kind of understand why - we all know those guys that can't keep their hands off their 'best friend'. The only comfortable way for them to watch tv is to sit with their hands down their pants. (I'm proud to say my husband doesn't do this). And girls, don't we just love those guys that feel the need to 'adjust' themselves mid-way through a conversation? So appealing!


What I want to know, what I really want to know is, at what stage in his life did the first guy turn to his friend and say 'Hey, does this look like the Loch Ness monster to you?' And did his friend, there and then, drop his kecks and say 'Ha! That's nothing! Lookee here....a windsurfer!'



Later, one of the guys left the show and they needed to find a replacement. Did they hold auditions? Did some poor guy suffer the humiliation of rejection because his Great Dane looked more like a Chihuahua? (Animal related topic, right?)


So, you can see there's things in life I just have to know. To you this is probably all just mindless trivia and I have no doubt that you are right. But PLEASE, if you get the urge to do something really strange - give me a call - I want....I need to be there the very first time, so I can finally get the answer to those immortal questions - Why? When? and What are you thinking?